Experiences

One final broad entry on scene construction, then every post henceforth will be very targeted.

In a recent post, Bass-Ackwards, regarding activities and toys, I brought up Experiences. But I didn’t really provide any more details other than they were the goal we should decide upon before selecting activities and then, subsequently, toys/props. In this post, I’d like to bring Experiences into focus somewhat.

When we speak of Activities and Props (Toys, if you prefer), we speak of actions and material objects. If Master wishes to peg me, then the primary actions include anal sex and verbal interplay. The material objects would be the harness, the dildo, the lube.

But why did we do it? What was it that we were hoping to achieve psychologically, emotionally and, while I don’t want to focus overmuch upon it, physically? This construct of motivations and purpose are what I refer to as the Experience.

When we speak of Experiences, we talk in terms of thoughts and emotions. We talk about the atmosphere of the scene and the desired psychological and emotional outcomes. We could also speak of desired physical outcomes (orgasms, ejaculations, etc.). I’m not against covering physical outcomes when we speak of Experiences, but they tend to be predictable for the most part and historically we have focused so much on those outcomes that we’ve near completely ignored the psychological and emotional. I think our real danger is in drifting towards the familiar and comfortable space of physical pleasure and away from the real purpose we’re seeking when we engage in kinky sex. Any time a physical outcome is an urgent one for either Master or myself, we absolutely should speak up and include it, but otherwise I believe we should have faith that all physical needs will be met and instead focus on the psychological and emotional.

Psychological & Emotional

I’ve used those terms a lot, between the last post entitled Bass-Ackwards and this one. In the beginning I would often ask myself what the difference was between the two, and why they weren’t just one and the same thing. They probably are often, if not always, related. But in my opinion, they should be considered separately when it comes to kinky play.

When I think on the psychological, as it applies in this context, I think of our thoughts. Let’s say Master came at me with a knife. Multiple things are going to happen within me at once. I will calculate the probability that Master truly means to do me harm. I will, simultaneously, analyze the situation and begin to think of mitigating actions. I’m also asking myself what I did to bring this on; in large part to help inform me of mitigation possibilities. I’m going to think about the odds, even if this is just play, of Master making a mistake and hurting one or both of us. When I speak of the psychological, and kinky play, I’m speaking of the thoughts we trigger, in both of us; thoughts we may not be used to having in our normal daily lives.

Conversely, ’emotions’ are the feelings that arise in certain contexts of kinky play. Emotions can arise without prominent thought. Using the example above, I will definitely have emotions, but they will be separate from my thoughts. For another example, after a scene Master commands me to lie with my head in her lap as she gently strokes my hair and talks gently to me. As I lay my head on her lap, I’m in a very volatile and agitated state after the intense play. However, in minutes I have calmed down and am feeling loved and accepted. None of that happened with active (prominent) thought, it was the context of the moment that brought on the emotions of peace, love, and harmony. Or, returning to the example in the paragraph above, Master can come at me with a knife, and I can feel genuine fear and, potentially, feel sadness that comes from realizing my trust has been betrayed.

Some may ask why they would want to experience such thoughts and emotions. Without emotions, we’re just mindless husks stumbling through life. We would be numb automatons, nothing more than a biological robot. Our greatest moments in life, without dispute, are those that are filled with intense emotions. While those emotional experiences can be either positive or negative, one never forgets them. Whenever we experience intense emotions, we regret if those closest to us were not there to share in the moment; to either experience the emotions with us, or to witness their impact upon us.

I desire for Master and I to craft intense Experiences that seek to prompt thought and emotions, and to do so through the medium of kinky sex. As a male, sex is my love language. When I initially engage in sex, I somewhat lower my inhibitions and defenses, and I somewhat extend trust. All of this is needed to enter scenes such as those we attempt in kinky play. Due to our long history together, we need all the help we can get to lower our defenses and inhibitions and maximize trust. No other activity than kinky sex demands such an offering up front, as a condition for participating. Kinky sex, using a 10-point scale, requires 5+ from each of us in terms of lowered defenses, lowered inhibitions, and trust. Using this same scale, I believe Master and I do good to get to 1 most of the time, and I think our best so far has been a 2. No one’s to blame, it just is what it is. All we can do is recognize it and work to chip away. And I believe we have. There were days in the past where we wouldn’t have even bothered to try to connect.

Experiences

Talking so abstractly about Experiences is probably counter-productive. So, instead, I’m going to use the rest of this post to describe how I believe I’d like to feel in a future weekend. Or, said another way, the Experience I would like to share with Master. When I finish, I believe the natural next question will be how do we generate those emotions? (as in, what activities, atmosphere, and tone does one need to employ to achieve this experience?) Master and I can work together, discussing strategies and tactics. Some ideas will hit, some will miss. As we go along, her arsenal of understanding will grow, and she will soon find herself equipped with a plethora of concepts and activities that she can employ. And she can riff off those to create ones uniquely hers!

Notes:

I wish to feel owned
By this I mean that I do wish to feel like a human being, but one that is so loved and needed that another decided to purchase me and make me their own for all time. This also means that, in return for this clear message of need and love that I’m expected to perform whatever my owner desires. It also means that I will be called upon, at times, to do things that my owner knows I don’t like. The more disagreeable the demand, the greater the sacrifice on my part, the easier it is for my owner to see my display of love and devotion and to take pride in it. Knowing this I, also, will be proud and happy about my service and submission.

When I think of feeling owned, I liken it to owning a pet dog. You bathe it, train it, spay it, stroke it, love it, feed it, tell it that it’s a good boy (when it’s a good boy), and you scold it when it’s a bad boy. I want to feel like Master’s pet: loved, taken care of, disciplined, appreciated, used for her pleasure and amusement. I don’t think a pet is the best analogy, but it’s the closest one without introducing what some people might find ‘icky’. But, since ‘icky’ never bothers me… I relate more to the mother/son analogy. I think that analogy works perfectly, in all ways if you ask me, even sexually. If we’re speaking of biological mother, of course it breaks down and is uncomfortable. But I’m using ‘mother’ in a broad sense. Mother Theresa had a large flock she cared for, but no one went to ‘sex’ and ‘ick’ when they used the word ‘mother’ for her. I want Master to interact with me as a mother would a son she loves and cares for. I want her to advise me, guide me, discipline me, love me, and nurture me so that I might be the best man she believes I can be. And then yes, there is the sex stuff which I’d like to see conducted the same way. Speaking strictly of the FLR at-large, I love the mother/son analogy. Youngish women get it when they call their male protectors “Daddy”. They know they’re not speaking of their actual biological fathers. It’s the concept of an authoritative male protector that they love and sink into. I want to sink into my authoritative female nurturer. And yes, I have at times wanted to call Master “Mommy”, but this has only happened during sex, and I held back because I suspect that it would not make her happy. I ‘m happy with ‘Master’, knowing that it was her choice for honorific. But it would be nice to know that, should my feeling go there, that in the privacy of our passion I could call her ‘Mommy’ freely without concern it might offend.

In Summary

I feel Master and I need to spend time talking about the Experiences we both would like to feel. I think this is important even for vanilla sex. And when we have those conversations, let’s agree that, until we both are done discussing how we’d like to feel, we do not discuss specifics; no activities and no toys mentioned. And it’s not enough for one of us to just say “I’d like to feel ravished”. That’s a great start, but now let’s break that down. How do we feel when we’re ‘ravished’? I’m not even sure people have a common understanding of ‘ravished’. But we shouldn’t say “oh, you need to do this and that and be sure to do this too”. Save that conversation for later. Instead, focus on psychologies and emotions. First, what is ‘ravished’? Then, let’s discuss motivations for wanting to be ravished. In the future, when one of us says they want to feel ravished, we don’t have to re-do this conversation, but it’s important the first time, or so I think. Subsequently, we should talk about all the thoughts and feelings we experience when we are ravished. Later, we can recount times in the past when we felt ravished, and we can describe what some physical aspects of ravishment we’d like to experience. That may even cause the other to have more questions about motivations and desired outcomes.

We can give the other a fish, or we can teach them to fish.

We can simply give the other specific instructions, which means that is all they will ever do. Or we can explain to the other our motivations, how we hope to feel, and the thoughts and emotions we wish to experience and share. Then, the other can bring all of their creativity to bear to give us wonderful mind-blowing unique experiences. Sure, there will be failures too, but even in failures we learn and have an opportunity to discuss even more. And not only will we have truly unique and wonderful experiences, we will know that the other saw us, understood us, and cared enough to be creative and come back with variants all in the hopes of pleasing us. We will know we’re seen, loved, and accepted, and we will have connected on a deeper level because of it.