Freshly fucked, twice in the last 4 days thank you very much, and even more importantly, with a fresh 90-day covenant between Master and I.
I so wish she could connect to my mind and, just for a minute or two, see, hear, and feel all my thoughts and emotions so she’d know me. Wouldn’t that be cool? If we could just allow those that love us, and whom we love, to “plug in” for a bit and realize how much we love them and to reinforce the sincerity of the words and feelings we share with them when un-plugged?
Commands vs. Requests
I spoke with Master and conveyed that I need her to command me, not ask me if I will do things. This is a major deal. Every time she asks me to do a thing, it’s like a major explosion rocking our relationship. A few hits like that and our FLR is in tatters. I feel that, in asking, she’s avoiding taking charge. I feel this and so then I am left rudderless and we just start deteriorating from there. I feel she must accept that she is in charge. And that she must accept I am her property. You do not ask property to do a thing, you use it as you see fit.
She’s so worried about being rude, or her forgetting and then talking to someone else that way. But it can’t be rude to me if I’m literally begging for it. And as for talking that way to someone else, we all know we have different faces for different people and we flow between them naturally every day. We speak with respect t those in authority above us. We refrain from foul language in front of our parents (I do anyway). We are friendly and warm to a friend, and we are quietly polite to a stranger. We adapt based on how we view that person in relation to ourselves. The problem with asking a slave to do things is that it tells everyone you do not see that person as a slave, but as an equal; someone whom you must ask for a favor.
Our FLR is based on her superiority, and my subservience. Without it, we do not have an FLR, we have a marriage of equality. We tried that for 25 years and we created a living hell on earth in the attempt. I maybe have 10 to 13 years left in this life, maximum, and i want to live them in rewarding peace and harmony, while feeling completely connected and loved, and loving back in return. Living a life of subservience to Master makes me happy, gives me hope, makes me spring out of bed in the morning, and makes the sun shine ever so brighter. But just one request asking if I will do a task and the clouds move in, I sink into depression, and I begin to regret that there still remains 10 to 13 years before I move on. I feel this way because it becomes clear, with every request, that I am living a false fantasy, all on my own. I need to be commanded not only because it provides clarity of purpose, but with every command I know that Master and I are living the same dream, and that all is well in our little part of the world.
One thing that did come up, which I found interesting, is how phrasing strangely changes things. “Would you do the dishes?” is an outright question, no grey about that. But “Would you please do the dishes?” while technically still a question, is something I would take as a command. I have no idea why, but the interjection of please at the front of the request alters it and makes it less of a question and more of a command.
I did not mention this to Master yet, but I believe what I should do, when I feel I am being asked a question about a task, is to politely answer in the negative. Not to lecture or push back is a strong way, but to just provide the answer that should not even be on the table. “Would you do the dishes?” gets a “No ma’am”. I’m thinking it’s juts a polite way to get her to stop and think about what she just said so she can rephrase it. Hopefully, this would only be needed for a week or two until she came to be in the habit of issuing direct commands. I’m looking to help, but not be an asshole, nor a brat. I understand how such a transition can be challenging, but if I give her a look, roll my eyes, say “do you want to rephrase that?”, or anything similar, I think that’s going too far. Just a polite, calm “no ma’am” and she’ll catch herself and we can correct and move forward after she rewords and makes it command, not a question.
And I’m ok with Pleases and Thank Yous. I don’t feel such niceties diminish our FLR in any way. But asking a slave if they’ll perform a task begs the question as to whether the slave is actually a slave, or whether the person asking is it’s owner.
The slave can speak up for itself if it perceives some conflict that might prevent the task from being completed, or if it feels there is pertinent information to share. Place that burden on the slave and remove it from its Master’s concern.
Mommy
I so wanted to call Master ‘Mommy’ during coitus. I have no idea where that desire comes from. All I know is that it is innocent and has nothing to do with my actual mother. I just wanted to sink into the feeling of safety, love, and protection offered by a motherly-figure who was taking care of me. It’s that feeling of being in he womb I guess, being safe and loved, or something akin to that.
But I didn’t say it. I did however expend a lot of energy refraining from saying it. I’m a bit worried it may slip out at some point. It already has actually, but I’m not sure she heard it. If she did, she chose to ignore it.
I find it difficult to control this when I truly let go in the bedroom. It will be on my mind, at times, and if the timing is just so, it may come out. The feelings that give rise to wanting to call her ‘Mommy’ are a part of me and, when things come together as they often do, it will always be there, just a slip of the tongue away. The only effort I can offer is to try and figuratively bite my tongue. But I hate hiding a part of me when kink is all about opening up and sharing who you are at a base level. Maybe this will pass and recede. But it has been with me awhile, so in truth I don’t believe that.
All I can say for certain is that this has nothing to do with any Oedipus complex. I just seek a term that describes a female nurturer, one who is firm, loving, guiding, and tender. As far as I know, that word is best captured in the word Mother, or ‘Mommy’ in my case. If there is another word that does the same thing, I’m all ears. And this is not constant by the way. In our recent triste, out of about 60 to 90 minutes of play, the desire to use that term lived for only about 2 minutes; just during the moment I approached orgasm, when ‘Mommy’ took care of me and my needs.
I wish there was another word that would work for me as well but wasn’t so charged. But at the same time I see women calling their strong men “Daddy” and neither I, nor many others, think anything of it. But somehow ‘Mommy’ causes people to cringe for some strange reason. In fact, I would think the cringing should happen the other way round; meaning women calling their men ‘Daddy’. But I like the idea of living in a world where neither term bothers anyone, and they are used for what they are, terms of endearment for those that that love, nurture, and protect us.
But make no mistake, I have never, ever, EVER, desired to call Master ‘Mommy’ outside of the bedroom. That would be creepy, for me anyway. And yet to say that contradicts all I have just said. All I can say is that my desire to do so only comes up when I am in the throes of orgasmic passion. Outside of that, I love ‘Ma’am’ and ‘Master’.
Submission
I so wish to start feeling my submission again. I need to be commanded, to be beaten, to be used for sex for Master’s enjoyment and denied my own release, I need to feel like property; loved property, property that is treated well, but owned property that is used to Master’s pleasure.
I just no longer feel right if that is not happening.
Master, again, voiced that she felt guilty leaving me to do chores and to be alone while she chases her dreams. To clarify, her dreams involve work that rakes place largely in the evenings and weekends. Whereas I work a 9-5 type job that is Monday through Friday.
While Master has said she’ll not be taking me up on it, I have informed her that she is free to take other lovers. In fact, I sometimes fantasize about her, one of her lovers, and myself grilling out at home, watching a game, and them having sex while I clean up. Part of it is that I apparently have a desire to be cuckolded. I also, as I have said, like cock, so if her lover was bi, that also interests me. But most of it is that I have reached the point where I think of her pleasure over my own, and that means jealousy has no place in my life. I want to see her happy, and if that meant having another lover or three, then I want that for her. And I don’t even need to meet these men if she preferred it that way. My happiness in this regard is not the point; nor would I be unhappy if I never met them, as I simply want what she wants.
So, while Master is worried that being gone for her non-sexual interest all of the time is not fair to me, she’s missing the bigger picture.
I have already stated, in our covenant, what I need to feel loved and appreciated; the things I need to feel we have a full and rewarding relationship. Those needs fit into about 6-8 hours a week of her time dedicated to me and a general sense, for the remainder of the week, that she’s in charge and providing direction. So, per our covenant, one of her responsibilities is those 6-8 hours. So, for the remaining 160-162 hours of the week, I am lessened if she is not using them to chase her dreams and find the greatest happiness she can. Whether that means the dream she is currently chasing or even, as I describe above, spending time with other lovers. Whatever makes her happy is what I want her to be doing.
Now, if she does have some unallocated time, I’m hoping she’ll spend some of it with me; even if she brings a lover home to meet me, or she takes me out to activities she’d like to share with me. But if I did not see Master for a period, except for those 6-8 hours to which she has agreed, I would be perfectly content so long as I know she’s safe and happy.
If Master met another man, decided she wanted to leave her life with me and only have a relationship with this new man, I would support that. I would be sad for me and what I had lost, but it would be greatly tempered by the fact that she had apparently found what brought her the most happiness. I’d rather she had her cake and ate it to, meaning kept me and him; but if that is not what would make her happiest, then not.
I like where I am now in this regard. I like thinking of her happiness over my own. I just wish she would take an other lover, even if I never got to meet the person. Because seeking out another lover shows me her independence, it shows that she heard me, it gives me a chance to prove once again that her happiness is my number one priority.
I look back in my life and I think about how I was jealous with that woman or another, and I have a hard time understanding why. We never truly possess another person. Either Master stays with me because I have value, or she doesn’t. It is up to me to prove my value. It is up to me to support her such that she couldn’t imagine me not in her life doing these things.
I am no longer a believer in marriage. I’m not against short term contracts to help encourage people to stay together and work through initial problems, but the term should be short, and agreed to by both parties. But, in general, I don’t believe in contracts at all. The moment you have a signed contract, that effectively shackles two people together, you cease trying your best. It’s only natural. Capturing that mate took a lot of energy and effort, and now that you’ve secured the prize, you can sit back, smoke that cigar and drink that whisky. Let your belt out an notch; you’ve made it.
Instead, we need to accept that keeping a partner means being the best version of yourself every day, just as they should be their best selves every day. And we should have no expectations of longevity, which means we need to enjoy and relish every day we have with them in our lives. If we are always the best version of ourselves, and we appreciate every day we have with them, then the right outcome will come about. Even if we separate at some point, it was the right outcome. And most critically, never expect someone to stay around; you do not own them. Jealousy has no place. If you are enjoying a period of time with someone and then you see them with someone else, that should be natural. You should never assume they will be in your bed that night, even if they have been in your bed the last 90 nights. They should be honest with you, always, but that honesty comes easily because there are no expectations except that we keep any promises we make, that we are always honest, and that we do that which makes us happiest. So if I have been spending time with someone and she’s been spending her nights in my bed for the past month, and we made no plans for today or tonight, I should have no expectation that she’s not spending time with someone else or in someone else’s bed that night. We are open, honest, loving, and we love everyone we can and we do not cling onto people.
Now, if children are involved, I have no answers. That’s a tough nut to crack. But for adults where children is not part of the picture, this is how I believe we should live. If I want Master in my bed every night, I don’t want her there because we have a contract and because long ago she gave up her independence. I want to be the guy whose bed she wants to be in. And if tonight she wants to be in the bed of another, I should not feel threatened or jealous. I should just focus on being the best me I can be. And if the best me is not enough, I should not feel jealous, although I might feel somewhat sad if she enchanted me the way that Master does. But I would be happy knowing that she was doing that which made her happiest.
I didn’t mean to launch into my altered views of marriage, but it did all spring from Master being worried she wasn’t spending enough time with me. Said simply, she should not worry. She will spend the appropriate amount of time with me. Now, our covenant does state a minimum; specifically it relates to time to manage our FLR and for kinky sex. But that is done to as to say, “I do wish for your happiness, but I cannot ignore also my own. In order to feel that I am in a relationship and not just someone’s actual unpaid servant, I need this in order to feel we have a relationship so that we’re both happy.” In my example above of polyamory, it would be like the female not seeing me for six months but yet me hearing someone tell a friend that we have an ongoing relationship. There must be certain requirements to be able to qualify for an active relationship, even if it is on a daily at-will basis. For master to never come home, to continue to expect me to perform services for her, and to take all of my income; well that’s not a relationship that would be abuse. So our covenant spells out the very minimum I require such that I feel in a positive relationship where we are both getting what we need.
These relationships I hear about where the male just serves and gets only what the female decides to give? Fuck that. Now, if you’re in such a relationship and you are genuinely happy, I support you. But there is no way I could ever do such a thing. I have needs. I deserve to be considered. But I also have worked very hard to minimize my ‘hard’ requirements such that I only ask for the very bare minimum I feel will signify to me that I am in a positive relationship, and not one that is abusive. Your perspective may be different; so long as it is truly consensual and rewarding for you both, I support you.
So all of this has been a very longwinded way of saying that if Master gave me chores and responsibilities to do that filled my week, and spent the rest of it in the arms and beds of other men, so long as she game me the bare minimum I sought (and participated in that time with full diligence and engagement) I would be happy. I might hope for more, but I would be content. Maybe if she could just bring one of those men home occasionally for us both to play with, that would be nice 🙂
But apparently, she has no desire to have sex with other men. Just as I really have no desire for other women. My desire is strictly that she and I experience a threesome, foursome, or more, together. While I’ve had these experiences, she has not. I would love to share such moments with her. Instead, her desires are with her non-sexual interests. These interests conflict with my ‘free’ time. But if I’m happy knowing she spends all of her time in the arms of other men, why would i be any less happy knowing she’s doing other interests? I just want her to be happy.
I think of it like this: (and I say this here, clearly, so it’s clear my desires are not fully altruistic)
- I want her to be happy
- Selflessly, simply because I want her to be happy.
- Selfishly, because when I do things that make her happy, she will think of me fondly
- Because if she thinks of me fondly then I will have won her favor
- Because if I win her favor, she’ll not only gladly spend kinky time with me, she’ll allow me to have orgasms.
- Because if she thinks of me fondly then I will have won her favor
If all I wanted was to have orgasms, I could easily find other women, or just take Master and not submit to her.
If all I wanted was to have kinky sex, I could engage a dominatrix or find a kinky partner.
I don’t go to the effort of making Master happy just so I can get laid and do it in a kinky way. I do it because I like having purpose and making her happy is now my end-of-life purpose. I will say however that I would never engage in kinky sex with someone I di not trust fully. So, if I did do that, I would first have had to come to know this other person very well, and care for them deeply. So, in this regard, my rati9nale does break down, because Master is the only person on this planet right now with whom i feel I can have kinky sex, and i know it’s not her thing, and so it could be said that I go to all of this trouble to get something from Master that I would have a hard time finding anywhere else. This I can not deny is valid rationale. But, I know in my heart that I do wish to serve, and I do wish to make her happy in my service, and that it fulfills me. That I also need/want something is not a crime, and if in service to her I increase the likelihood of getting what I need/want, then that’s just what we call a relationship where I come from.
