Trial of Denial

I want to be very clear before I launch into this: I’m not a fan of denial. I don’t wish to be denied. I want to be knee-deep in my cum every single day. Please don’t read what follows and think this is some twisted plea for denial. It most definitely is not.

I was thinking that Master should fuck my brains out, as in really drain the swamp so-to-speak. Then she should inform me that until I’m able to beg convincingly for an orgasm that I will be denied, and that the begging would not be allowed to start until four weeks had passed. This means I would be denied sexual release for a minimum of four weeks, and even longer until I was able to genuinely beg for release.

To be clear, we can and should still have sex. But whatever pleasure I receive would not be orgasmic. The primary focus would be on me pleasuring Master, or her torturing me.

Master could make use of her cock, but it would be dangerous. I’ve never been without orgasms for more than a few days. After a week or more, no matter how much I tried, I might just explode in anticipation of her cock seeing even a bare ankle, let alone actually letting me “in”. The goal here would not be to run the risk that I might orgasm accidentally, but to make sure I don’t orgasm at all. For that reason, I’d suggest that I stay caged except for cleanings, and that Master closely supervise those cleanings.

If we do this, I’d like very much to request that this year, this event replaces Loctober. The idea of two lengthy periods of denial is a bit much for me to bear.

The Pros

• It will prove to us both that Master can effect denial; that she’s broken with this feeling that she needs to give me sexual release.
• It will break me… possibly. Right now, I can’t imagine begging for anything. But I’ve also never gone a week, let alone an entire month or more without many orgasms. So this would be new territory for me. Who knows, maybe I’ll break.
• It very much will cement our roles.
• Even if I can’t ever genuinely plead for release, most of the benefits above will still be realized.

The Cons

• Life is short, and I really don’t want to die with my last 30 days being denied.
• This may not work. I may truly be incapable of begging for sexual release. I’m not trying to be obstinate. I mean I can fake it if that is what is desired. But if what we’re seeking is for me to genuinely plead for release, I’m not sure I can. Master, and Master alone, should decide how long this should go on if we do this. I mean, what if six months go by and I still just can’t muster a genuine plead? Will I want release? Sure, I guess (see next point). But I’m not sure I can genuinely plead. I’m just not sure it is in my DNA to plead for something like that; at least not in my normal state.
• What if my sexual drive just goes into hibernation and, regardless of my ability to beg, I just don’t care? To be honest, this is the scariest option of all. Since I hit puberty my life (as I believe it is for most all men) has been defined by my sexual drive. To literally feel sexless, as I sit here now, is a fate worse than death. Again, as I sit here now, I’d rather be dead than for my sex drive to be gone. I wouldn’t know how to be, and i wouldn’t want to be. It’s like living your whole life, decades, with the sound of gentle waves crashing on the beach and then one day you wake up and you never hear them again. You wouldn’t know how to ‘be’. I don’t ever want to be sexless. I love my sexuality. It fills me. It drives me. I think without it I’d just curl up into a ball and die. So the idea of this ‘test’ scares me. But I’m interested in what the outcome might be. All I can think is that maybe, instead, we say that this denial is for the month of March only. That does negate some of what I was going for, but there might still be good that comes out of it. Also, we could revisit at the end of March and decide if it should continue.

Just to reiterate, I’m either squarely on the fence about this idea, or firmly of the side of no, no way, hell no. I’m intrigued by what we might learn, but also fearful we’ll learn nothing and I’d have just denied myself for no reason. And also, there is the fear that I’ll find myself sexless, listless, and just a husk of who I am today; someone who’s not sure if he wants to live that way. Then again, maybe that will bring balance to the force, who knows?