I do plan to post again. In discussion with Master, I discovered that she had not been reading many of these posts. This site was created so that I could stop flooding her inbox with daily thoughts. Instead, I post random thoughts once or twice a week here, with more carefully crafted posts, and then she can read at-will, feeling less pressure. Well, seems she was feeling no pressure at all and I was just writing into the wind.
After discussing this, it was agreed that I would cease posting until she could catch up. This will be my final “random thoughts” post until she does. I suspect that this might take her 2 to 3 more weeks.
At that point, we will agree on the average amount of time that she wishes to devote to reading my posts and I will keep the number and length within this weekly average.
On the up-side, she seems sincere about really giving it a try this time (our FLR). The problem, for me, is that I feel left at the alter one too many times and I’m having a difficult time committing. I will, because this is what I want. I suspect what i need to see is her overcoming my… lack of commitment, and demanding fealty. There are two paths this can take. Historically, when she saw any non-compliance on my part, she would say “oh well, I guess he didn’t really mean it”. Which told me she really wasn’t engaged and trying to understand what was going on, she was only present in the role of master because I asked her. Or, she does what a true master would do, which is take charge, lay down the law, and enforce her rules. My attitude was just a problem to be solved, not a condition to be coddled or accommodated.
Just this weekend she violated two of her own edicts, without saying a word of explanation. I was informed Saturday morning that I would be in chastity by noon, after she had fucked me. But that came and went. To be fair, she did bring it up multiple times, but she would always accommodate me rather than decide what she wanted and make it happen. Also, on Saturday evening, she allowed me to orgasm, which violates our agreement that orgasms for me can only occur during appreciation events, which follow our-twice weekly reviews o my performance.
It wasn’t that I was allowed to orgasm that is the problem, it is the lack of any words to accompany the orgasm that explain why this is occurring. I am a guy, you can’t offer me an orgasm and expect me to turn it down. But what we agree is that I am not to cum, except during kinky intimacy events (and only then, if she allows it), unless it is done for her pleasure primarily. She does like to feel me erupt inside her sometimes, and there may be other reasons why her pleasure would be served by my orgasm or ejaculation. But nothing was said, and as far as I could tell, it was for my pleasure alone.
I’m ok with us changing our rules. And I am ok if a thing happens because *she* wants it. But one of the key points of this rule is to drive home that she is under no obligation to pleasure me at any time, except during kinky intimacy events (which are scheduled twice a week), and even then, she is under no obligation to allow me to ejaculate. However, if she denies me, then the review that occurred immediately prior to the event should have made clear why she is disappointed in me, and why I am being denied.
It’s great that she thinks of me and wishes to please me. Or does she? Because if she truly wished to please me, she’d adhere to the rules we established together.
And that’s really the problem here. I believe she does these easy little things so that, subconsciously, she can avoid the harder things required top effect change. It’s easier to jerk off your husband than to change your approach to life and take charge. It is harder, I admit. And it is also hard for a dominate male like myself to change and embrace submission to my wife. But I remain convinced that we will both be our happiest if we make these hard changes. Once the hard changes are done, put into effect, and we’ve made them habit, she can jerk me off hourly if she wants. But I don’t want to worry that sexual release for me is being effected as a subconscious means to avoid the hard work we need to do to adapt to our new roles.
As a total aside (as I am done bitching now) I’ve been playing with an idea. I’d like for us to swap roles for 24 hours. The purpose of doing so to demonstrate the manner and tone I am seeking in our relationship. Now, before the audience clamor begins to rise, let me first say that I want her to effect the tone and manner SHE most desires. But she appears to struggle with how to “be”. I was thinking that a role reversal would be an interesting idea for 24 hours.
But we would not just reverse Master/slave roles, she would become me, and I her. This is where I am still thinking. I am imagining her wearing a strap-on all day, to represent my cock. I will be her. Obviously I’m not going to grow a vagina, but I can use my anus as an equivalent, and my cock will have to be imagined as her vagina. All of this body-part talk is only important for sex-related roleplay, but these 24 hours would include non-sexual interactions as well.
The idea I have is that I can do things that she might go “oh, well, I never thought…” Now, sadly, there are things I can’t do because of her hard limits on anal penetration (in her), and whippings. But I think I can convey tone and concepts without those things. We can use her vagina as if it were my asshole.
I get that sexually it’s a bit wrong, in that my cock takes pleasure in intercourse, whereas her strap-on, in real-life, does not. But my hope is that whether in or out of the bedroom, she could witness a behaviour that demonstrates what’s possible. She may not like some or all of it, but nothing will violate her hard limits and it could very well open her eyes.
As for whippings, which are a major part of our healing (or so I believe), I can’t actually cause her pain, but I can at least simulate when I would have expected her to effect punishment or funishment. However, it’s very unlikely that within 24 hours an occasion for actually punishment would arise; **provided** she checks her attitude. She’s one to use sighs as non-verbal indications of displeasure or contempt, and she’s a major eye-roller. I have my own faults, I can assure you, but these are hers. As the master, she can eye roll and sigh all she wants, but as my slave, that shit will not happen. So I have to find a punishment she really doesn’t like, but doesn’t run afoul of her hard limits. I already have 3 in mind and likely can come up with more. As Master is not submissive at all, not even the teeny tiny tip of her pinkie, I’m afraid that these punishments will fill our time together. But this is what she needs to see – that she’s expected to take no prisoners and to demand that her home world be exactly as she desires it, at all times. And when I see the first eye-roll or hear the first sigh, she’s going to quickly be taught not to fuck with her Master.
It’s 24 hours, with no consequences for me for her displeasure (this will be rule number 1, should we do this), and then we revert. The point is not that I have a good time, just that she has her eyes opened and is given concepts and ideas to work with.
As I said, it is just an idea. I have not broached it yet.
But this is where we are now. I am finally back in chastity, although I remain unconvinced that she really comprehends my sacrifice. She hears the words, and she nods her head and says she understands, but I am not sure. I’m not even sure what I would need to hear/see that would make me convinced. We’ll just have to go forward and see what we see. But at least now I can stop being irritated at how often I masturbate without her around or engaged.
We keep trying. Hopefully this is the time. I say this every time, but I’m not sure I have another try in me. I can only be left at the altar so many times. But as they say, hope springs eternal.
