While I’ve posted once, outside of weekly weigh-ins, I largely haven’t posted much in the last month. We’ve been estranged (always wanted to use that in a sentence; can check that off the bucket-list now). Just have not been close. Stuff happening in her life that, depending on your point of view, took her away from me and us.
Regardless of perspectives, it can’t be denied that we have not been close. Motions have been made recently that might provide one with hope, but I’m currently tapped out of hope. I’ll appreciate whatever comes, but I can’t sit here and be excited over what I believe may come. I have done that so many times, only to be disappointed.
And thus is not to say that the problem lies elsewhere and not with me. Maybe I shouldn’t get excited. Maybe when I do so I set for myself unrealistic expectations and hopes. Maybe I need to just fucking chill.
Master, it is very clear, comes from a genetic line that is likely to see her, barring accident, live to be at least 90. Based on my genetic line, and a researched average that says men like me live to an average of 73, I have a much shorter runway.
I feel my life wrapping itself up. Whenever I mention this, people roll their eyes. I wish I could be here to say “I told you so” when I die in the next 5 years. And no, I’m not quite that old, but to get an average of 73, some die younger. I’m fairly confident that I’m in that category. And even if I am not, I think it’s a crime at my age to waste a single day.
And that’s what I feel has been happening these last three years. It’s not that it’s all been bad mind you but, if we took this seriously, our relationship could have flourished and been solid today. We could have both been extremely happy by now.
It’s not that I have a crystal ball and therefore knows exactly what to do and what will happen. But what I do know is that if we we talk, really communicate, and spend time with one another, we are at our best. But we spend so much time not doing those very things.
This is either the number 1, most important thing, or we don’t exist (our close relationship). And just because something is your number 1 priority does not mean that it consumes more time than anything else, or even as much time. But the time spent must be quality and it must be meaningful. We just waste time fucking without context (other than physical pleasure) and talking past one another.
I’ve been doing all I can to connect. To make Master first in all my thoughts and deeds. But it doesn’t work if I feel disconnected.
My hourglass is running out and I desperately want to connect before I check out. If we’re to just be friends, then let’s be the best friends we can be. If we’re to be lovers, then let’s be the best lovers we can be. And if we’re to just be roommates, then let’s be the best roommates we can be. But let’s stop wasting what precious little time I have left. Long before any of us dies, again unless an accident, our bodies and minds fail us and we’re incapable of the things we can do today.
Seize the day, for tomorrow may never come. Carpe Diem.
