I’ve been thinking about how to maximize the effectiveness of the kinky play to which Master and I engage. To reiterate what has been stated elsewhere, the ultimate purpose of kinky play is to better understand ourselves, each other, and our relationship to one another. A secondary purpose is sexual release and just generally great fun!
I think Master and I do several things wrong when it comes to kinky play. I believe that all of the things we do wrong stem from Master’s lack of a sex drive, lack of interest in kinky exploration, and my unease at asserting myself when I’m supposed to be following. As a result, we get together, ostensibly for kinky play, and Master ends up talking about other things, we start late, one of us is tired, and in the end it all just ends as vanilla sex with me getting an orgasm, and possibly Master. A complete failure, in terms of kinky play, that could be avoided by getting together a day or two before scheduled kinky sessions and talking about it.
If I knew such meetings would happen regularly, I could always come prepared. But the haphazard nature of what we do means I am often feeling lost and that there is little to no point in preparing for a scene that is not going to happen. So when it comes time to play, no one’s prepared, no one’s energized, no one has brough their creative juices, and all we do is fuck and cum.
We really need to stop this and begin to apply ourselves.
What I feel we need to do is come at this simply. Kinky play is anything but simple, but we can approach it in a simpler way.
I suggest that Master goes into our toy chest and picks out something that interests her, or if she prefers, I can do so. One. Thing. Only. We don’t need to actually bring it out, just select it mentally and bring that selection to a conversation. We then sit down and discuss that item.
We pick apart motivations for, and outcomes of, using that thing.
- Why was it selected?
- What outcomes did the person who selected it hope to realize?
- Question the one who selected it to drive out unconscious motivators and desired outcomes.
- Both of us list any outcomes we can imagine from its usage. While all outcomes are welcome as to not impede the creative process, what we’re really looking for is psychological and emotional outcomes.
- We then discuss which outcomes each of us is happy with, those that we are most eager for, and those outcomes that give us unease or which we absolutely reject.
The goal here, as I see it, is to move away from technical descriptions and physical results, and to place our focus on outcomes. For example, Master always says she is “placing me in chastity”. But that’s very technical and doesn’t speak to outcome or experience.
So, what might we say about the outcomes of chastity?
- Denial of all sexual acts involving penis (technical, but must be stated as obviously true)
- Stress
- Fear
- Pain
- Sacrifice
- Submission
- Control
So what might Master say, instead of “placing you in chastity”? Here are some quick ideas:
- “Let’s get you under control.”
- “I need you to make the penultimate sacrifice for me.”
- “I need my cock secured”.
- “I need you to show me how much you love me.”
All of these move the thought focus from the technical aspect of putting a cage and lock on a penis to what that means. This may seem silly, but when you realize that virtually everything we do in kink is referenced in a technical manner, in our home, you come to see that there is potentially a failure to understand what all of this means.
A cane, and how to safely cane, is technical. But why do we cane? Why do we include pain? What are the desired outcomes? We shouldn’t ever “have a caning session”, instead we should “correct behaviour” or “demonstrate loyalty and submission”. This exercise of examining the props that we use and the acts that we perform, in a psychological and emotional context, can prompt great discussions and bring us together in understanding.
