Since the age of 12, or thereabouts, I’ve always done what I wanted to do. In all things, I’d decide what I wanted and then make that happen. While this may be said for a great many people, the difference in my case was that I rarely gave any consideration as to how my decisions might affect others. I was laser-focused on my desires. Where I saw conflict, such as when I wanted something, and I wanted someone, but having both was not possible, I would resort to subterfuge in order to keep both. In short, I was selfish and did not place a high enough priority on personal relationships. Please suffice it to say that I developed most of my life with a view that personal relationships were dispensable. Make no mistake, I wanted my personal relationships to continue, but on my terms. Due to my upbringing, all of my relationships, except those with immediate family, were severed every two to three years. I learned to love being alone. And I learned to not invest oneself into personal relationships. Yes, I know, cue the violins.
Today, I remain much the same, but now more self-aware. I wish to be different, to experience life differently. But I’ve found that I’m unable to change on my own, except very slowly. This is one of many drivers, albeit a significant one, for my interest in exploring submission and service.
To be clear, I’m not a narcissist. I’ve great empathy for others, and I don’t think of others as inferior. But I do believe in myself, and I’m completely comfortable being alone most of the time. Interactions with people do make me very anxious and I find them extremely draining. But my clear focus on what I want, without serious consideration as to how my desire might affect others, is a major fault. I don’t look to change solely because I wish to no longer have this fault. I simply wish to enjoy something I’ve never allowed myself to enjoy, and that is the joy of giving of oneself in service to another.
It may sound altruistic. The majority of my reasoning for seeking service is altruistic, but it’s a slim majority. I wish to make another happy in my service, but I also draw happiness from that, for a multitude of reasons. The joy of service, yes. But also the joy of knowing that I’m capable of being truly servile. I also know that I only wish to serve a female, so that tells me sex is somehow involved. I also know that there is currently only one person on the planet with whom I can place my trust. So, service just for service’s sake is clearly not my only driver.
This is all a long-winded way of saying that it’s easy for me to state that I wish to serve, but that there is a lot more to it than just that simple statement.
As I became fully aware of this desire in only the last five years, I’m sad when I don’t feel I’m on a path to change. With life running out for me, I appreciate that every moment may be my last and become saddened when I feel I may reach the end having never experienced the true joy of serving my Master.
Master is not really a master. She accommodates me, which is very loving of her. But accommodation will not work in this case. There are a number of things in life that one person can accommodate for another and the act of sacrifice will be appreciated with no reservations. But sex and ownership are not two of them.
A wife, who perhaps does not enjoy sex, may try to accommodate her husband. But unless the wife truly understands what the husbands needs and meets his emotional and psychological desires as well as his physical ones, they are on a path to ruin.
Similarly, a Master can’t be a sometimes thing, or fail to grasp the needs of their servants. It’s true, service is a gift. But so is the gift of domination. The servile wish to be subjugated and made useful. A master who does not quickly come to understand what motivates their servant is doomed to lose them. In the case of a male servant and a female master, the biggest trapfall is to assume that physical pleasure/sex fixes everything.
Sex that is both physical, emotional, and psychological, all in equal measure, is the reward I most desire. But physical sex alone, as a ‘reward’ for service, is just a reminder that Master and I are not understanding one another.
Except for time spent in any weekly rewards I might receive, I wish for Master to think of herself first and foremost. To place her needs and desires ahead of mine.
At present, I don’t feel Master is in charge. What I see is someone who is bandied about by the winds of the moment and who does not understand that I need her to lead. She sees leadership as a having a negative outcome for me; whereas the exact opposite is true. She sees telling me what to do as rude and inconsiderate. But in telling me what to do, she is giving me clarity and purpose. She sees her leadership as unsustainable, whereas lack of it is what will end our marriage. The stronger she gets, the healthier our relationship becomes. This is the truth I feel she needs to grasp.
I do ask myself if I am contributing to this. I think, at some point, I become culpable as well. I liken what we are trying to do as a dance. Master leads, and I follow. But if Master stops leading, then I find myself with no choice but to act on my own to continue the dance of life. Then, seeing I am acting on my own, Master just lets me go, rather than resuming control of the dance and leading.
Master cannot be what she is not. But when I first met her, she was the Master of her life. But after so many years, I’m not sure she knows how to be as she once was. I believe in her, which is why I am still here, still writing, still thinking, still possessed of hope; although that hope is dwindling fast I must admit.
I believe she sees no value in all of this, other than to placate her husband and keep the general peace. But the peace is already broken. You can’t play tennis in the middle of the court, and the same can be said of a power exchange relationship. You must get to the net, or get to the baseline. Middle-court is no-woman’s-land. Either become the Master of the household, or become the servant; and baring becoming the servant, then we return to the hellish relationship that defined our first 25 years together. This can’t be done halfway. The time must be devoted to managing the household and servant; there is no time where it can be said ‘but I’m busy this day/week/month‘ so I can’t do that kinky stuff. Being in charge is a full-time gift/responsibility. Once the proper mindset is adopted (assuming it can be), the act of governing should not take any time of significance, and the rewards for governing should be large; if both of these things are not true then it is being done incorrectly.
So yeah, I feel lost. I must decide between reverting everything back to the way things were (which was misery), or living on in the misery with which I find myself every day as I wait to see if Master will, once again, resume leading the dance. And then I will be left to worry when she’ll next cease to lead and leave me without her leadership and guidance.
